Phases
by Elizabeth Wilde
Summary: Logan returns and he and Rogue both have to deal with the way she has changed
1. Sunset: Remembering

Author: Elizabeth Wilde  
Title: Sunset: Remembering  
Series: Phases: Time of Day  
Distribution: Anyone who has my fic, anyone who asks me for it, http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/xfic.html [my site]  
Disclaimer: I do not own the X-Men or the song "Daddy Said" by Nanci Griffith. No copyright infringement is intended, so don't sue!  
'Ship: none technically, hints of Logan/Rogue  
Classification: angst  
Summary: Rogue thinks about how things have changed at the mansion since Logan left.  
Rating: PG-13  
Spoilers: none  
Feedback: Please, yes! to wilde_moon@yahoo.com  
Notes: The graphic for this story can be seen at http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/sunset.html  
  
Now I dream of a lover that I don't know  
It's safer this way 'cause I don't have to go  
And he won't come so nobody goes away  
Sometimes I wish for the warmth of his hand  
Take a look at these eyes and understand  
I'm just a little too old to be learning the rules of the game.  
  
I'm twenty-two years old, and sometimes I feel like I'm a hundred. I look into the mirror and look into my own eyes and don't even recognize myself about half the time. The woman in the mirror scared me when I was younger, back when I still cried myself to sleep every night because Logan had left me. Back then, the old woman didn't feel like a part of me. Now she is. I am.   
  
I make a lot of people uneasy anymore. After we graduated, Jubilee and I drifted apart almost at once. She's a happy person, and most of the time I'm a pretty dark person. Most of the pulling away was on my side. I didn't want me to rub off on her. She deserves her smiles. Kitty and I still talk some. We don't have light conversations, though, don't wave and smile when we pass in the hall. Just every now and then, we seek each other out and bare our souls like it's the last chance we have. It feels good.  
  
I think Bobby held out hope for quite a bit that he'd be able to wear me down, convince me to go out with him. I never had to tell him why I said no. Robert Drake may be just a guy, but damned if he doesn't know me better than just about anyone I've ever known even when I do keep him in the dark. He'd ask me, I'd say no, he'd smile, and we'd go on just like nothing had happened. It was part of the routine. He doesn't ask anymore. I think that hurt me at first, but now I'm glad. I don't like the way it used to hurt him even when he pretended it didn't.   
  
Bobby knows me well enough to know I love Logan. Alright, I love the Logan who lives up in my head. He's always there. He never runs away from me. It's easier loving him that it is loving Wolverine. My Logan loves me back. He has dirty little fantasies reserved just for me, not Jean.   
  
I'm a member of the X-Men now, and so are Bobby and Kitty and Jubilee. We save the world on a regular basis, and still my life seems like it's missing something. Scott tells me I'm a "valuable team member" often enough that it's starting to tick me off. Or maybe that's Wolverine talking. I can't be sure sometimes. My thoughts, my actions, they aren't always me. It certainly wasn't me who used to stare at Xavier like he was Logan shirtless everytime he wheeled into a room. That's an annoying little habit that I'm glad seems to have gone away. Erik was not a fun person to live with. But being a member of the X-Men is good. I'm helping. I'm using those powers I stole to help people. It doesn't help much with the guilt, with the knowing that poor woman's going to be in a coma for the rest of her life because of me. But it helps some.  
  
Jean tries to get me to confide in her sometimes. I used to leer at her and say she just wanted to get in my head again before remembering that she never had been in my head. Just Wolverine's. Now I tell her that I'm fine and I don't need her help. Which still sounds a bit more like Logan than me. I actually do talk to Ororo sometimes, mostly because she doesn't try to get me to. She's quiet but she's strong. She won't take anything from anybody, and all that calm goes straight to Hell if somebody ticks her off. I've gotta admire that. Or maybe Wolverine does. Anyway, some part of me does.  
  
I've got people all around me wanting to help me and talk to me and make me feel normal again. It's sweet, really. I appreciate it. But it won't work. I'm Rogue, the mutant life-force vacuum, and I'm not ever going to be normal.   
  
The only time I come close is in my dreams and in my head. That's where Logan lives too. In my head, he loves me and wants me and needs me the way I need him. So I don't need Bobby or Remy or anybody else. I have Logan.  



	2. Night: Decisions

Author: Elizabeth Wilde  
Title: Night: Decisions  
Series: Phases: Time of Day  
Distribution: Anyone who has my fic, anyone who asks, http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/xfic.html [my site]  
Disclaimer: I don't own the X-Men or "Hidden Sun" by Barenaked Ladies.  
'Ship: none, hints of Logan/Rogue  
Classification: angst  
Summary: Logan considers returning to the school and what it could mean.  
Rating: PG-13  
Spoilers: none  
Feedback: to wilde_moon@yahoo.com  
Notes: The graphic for this story can be found at http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/night.html  
  
Shivering madly in the dark   
Like an animal abandoned in the car park   
And she held me and then she showed me   
The beauty of the human heart.  
  
I thought it would feel a lot better being on my own again. Alone is my natural state. I don't need anybody. That's what I keep telling myself, anyway. I go to a different town and a different bar every night and I fight and I maim and I drink enough to make any normal man pass out a few times over and none of it means a damn thing.  
  
The whole time I'm tearing up whatever loser is dumb enough to get in my way, I'm thinking about that time I didn't, that time when some little girl with big brown eyes that made her look like a deer caught in the headlights convinced me without a word to let a punk brawler and some ignorant old barkeep live just a little while longer, to walk away. I'm Wolverine. I don't walk away from fights. But I did for her, because I didn't want some innocent little kid seeing what I do to people.  
  
Problem is, I did it to her too. Maybe I never meant to, but I did it. I don't just mean shoving my claws through her chest, either, even thought I can still see the shock on her face when I close my eyes, feel the gentle pressure of those deadly fingers on my cheek. I mean the way I left. She had some damn kind of crush on me and it scared me. The hero worship in her eyes when she looked at me scared me too. I didn't deserve any of it, not from a nice girl like Marie.   
  
It was easier to leer at Jean. She's all grown up. She can take care of herself. Besides, with her I can't care too much because I can't get close enough. She's with Scott and she always will be unless something happens to one of them. They love each other, and that isn't going to change. But flirting with Jean was easy.  
  
Now here I am driving down the road in the middle of nowhere thinking about the kid. Well, not in the middle of nowhere, either. For the past five years, I've been traveling in a slowly shrinking circle that's taking me straight back to Westchester if I don't do something about it. I should stop and really think about this, but I've spent five years trying not to think, and making my brain do much more than react is more effort than I'm up to.  
  
I'm not sure how I can go back after five years. I can't even begin to think what might have changed. Hell, maybe Scott's got a personality now. Maybe Jean'll be ready to throw herself into my arms and ride off into the sunset. Maybe Marie won't be a kid anymore.  



	3. Sunrise: Arrival

Author: Elizabeth Wilde  
Title: Sunrise: Arrival  
Series: Phases: Time of Day  
Distribution: Anyone who has my fic, anyone who asks for it, http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/xfic.html [my site]  
Disclaimer: I don't own the X-Men or the song "You Can't Go Home" by Nanci Griffith. I'm not making any money, so please don't sue!   
'Ship: none, hints of Logan/Rogue  
Classification: angst  
Summary: Logan returns to Xavier's school.  
Rating: PG-13  
Spoilers: none  
Feedback: Always! to wilde_moon@yahoo.com  
Notes: If you want to see the kewl graphic for this story, it's at http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/sunrise.html  
  
Folded memories in my soul  
It's that old blue line that you can never go back home  
So I'm waiting for the moon to rise  
He'll kiss my tears away and set my heart in line.  
  
I never expected to come bounding down the stairs to dinner and see Logan standing there. The strangest part is that there wasn't any real pleasure in the discovery, just shock. I couldn't believe he was standing there. I'd been telling myself for so long that my Logan would never leave me that seeing Wolverine standing a few feet in front of me came as a disturbing intrusion of reality on my happy fantasy world.  
  
Every night, I feel asleep in Logan's arms, wrapped up in them without a second thought for deadly skin or gut-wrenching nightmares. We had each other and nothing else mattered. All the rules that applied to everyone and everything else meant nothing because we were together and that was that. I could have him anytime I wanted him. I didn't need Wolverine in my life again.  
  
"Hey, kid."  
  
I couldn't read a damn thing in his expression, but the fact that he called me kid made me want to rip out his vocal chords and wrap them around his neck a few times for good measure. I don't even remember being a kid. I'm surely not one. And no man who ran out and left me alone with my fantasies was going to call me anything I didn't want to be called. I was glaring at him when I said, "Mah name's Rogue. Use it if ya feel the need ta talk to me."  
  
I walked into the kitchen and didn't look back and didn't feel bad for the not looking. Logan might have been a day-to-day reality in my head, but Wolverine was just a man, a man I'd never really known. I sat down at the table and accepted the sandwich Ororo held out to me, scowling at nothing in particular. She knew what had happened, obviously. She must have heard. She didn't say anything, and I'll be forever grateful for that. I just wanted to be angry at him and eat my lunch and then forget that I'd ever been mad at all, that he'd ever come back.  
  
Mostly, I just wanted him to leave.  
  



	4. Daytime: Confusion

Author: Elizabeth Wilde  
Title: Daytime: Confusion  
Series: Phases: Time of Day  
Distribution: Anyone who has my fic, anyone who asks for it, http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/xfic.html [my site]  
Disclaimer: I don't own the X-Men or the song "I Love You" by the Barenaked Ladies. Don't sue!!!  
'Ship: none, Logan/Rogue hints  
Classification: angst  
Summary: Logan's feelings towards Rogue begin to change.  
Rating: PG-13  
Spoilers: none  
Feedback: to wilde_moon@yahoo.com  
Notes: The graphic for this story is at http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/daytime.html  
  
How would you know, that I love you so?  
I don't say too much.  
Why are you blue whenever I'm in town?  
I guess life was fine till I came 'round.  
  
She hates my guts. I guess I didn't expect that, didn't expect that she'd be all grown up and strong. She doesn't need my protection, and she doesn't want my friendship. I fucked her over, and she's not about to let me forget it. And she's not a kid. I'm not sure why I said that when I saw her. Nobody could look at a woman like her and think she's a kid.  
  
I don't just mean that because she's got a killer body, either. She does have that too; curves models would kill for. Her eyes are old, though. My fault, at least in part. I doubt she's even sure what's hers and what's ours now. She's older than those twenty-two years she's got.  
  
I asked Jean what I should do to make things right. Silly thing to do, I guess. I felt like some stupid teenager asking his parents how to ask some pretty girl out. But Jean's far from my mom--not that I remember the real thing--and Rogue isn't just "some pretty girl." So maybe it's nothing like that. She told me I couldn't do anything but wait. Rogue needs time to get over the shock, she told me.  
  
Me being me, I got angry at her and stormed off. I managed a half-hearted apology later, but she knew as well as I did that I didn't really mean it. I want a quick fix, an easy way to recapture that trust she used to have in me. But I want to deserve it this time. I want to see her eyes glowing and have her throw me one of those shy little smiles and know it's okay to just enjoy it because I'm not going to hurt again.  
  
Now my presence is hurting her. She doesn't want me here. I can't leave her again, though. I don't know if it would hurt her or help her, but I think it might kill me. I watch her constantly when she doesn't think I am, and I just can't help but notice that the more I'm around her, the more I care about her. It hurts too, caring. I'm not good at shit like that. I'm not good at worrying about how the stuff I'm doing is going to affect other people, but I worry about hurting Rogue again.  
  
I worry because I'm falling in love with her. I love a woman who won't even speak to me, and it's driving me crazy. I don't know how to make things better. I don't know a miracle cure for us. Or for her. We're both going to have to wing it. I just know I can't not try.   
  
I care too damn much to give up again.   
  
  



	5. Autumn: Pain

Author: Elizabeth Wilde   
Title: Autumn: Pain  
Series: Phases: A Year in a Day  
Distribution: Anyone who has my fic, anyone who asks me for it, http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/xfic.html [my site]  
Disclaimer: I don't own the X-Men or the song "Unforgiven II" by Metallica. No copyright infringement is intended.  
'Ship: none, hints of Logan/Rogue  
Classification: angst  
Summary: Logan tries to convince Marie to give him a chance.  
Rating: PG-13  
Spoilers: none  
Feedback: Always welcome! to wilde_moon@yahoo.com  
Notes: The graphic for this story can be seen at http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/autumn.html  
  
Come lay beside me   
This won't hurt, I swear.   
She loves me not   
She loves me still   
But she'll never love again.   
She lay beside me   
But she'll be there when I'm gone   
Black heart scarring darker still   
Yes, she'll be there when I'm gone   
Yes, she'll be there when I'm gone   
Dead sure she'll be there.  
  
//Marie,   
  
It was easier before, wasn't it? I shouldn't have left. I admit it. I got scared and I ran and I hurt you. Might have hurt you too much for you to forgive me, and that kills me. It kills me that I can look at you and be near you and feel so damn good because I know you don't feel the same way. I know all the time you're making me feel good, I'm making you hurt.  
  
Maybe we can talk this out. I want to try to be something again, you and me. Sounds strange like that, but it's what I want. I want you to talk to me and maybe trust me a little. I want you to feel something for me again, even though I know I don't deserve a damn second of your time.   
  
I still want it.  
  
Just talk to me.  
  
-Logan//  
  
Logan stared at the letter clasped in his hands and sighed. It felt silly to be writing Marie. He wondered bitterly if he should leave it under her door or just pass it to her in study hall. But he wasn't in the mood for jokes, even his own. Striding down the hall with an unmistakable air of purpose, he passed only a handful of students on his way to Marie's room.   
  
He could smell her, the gentle aroma of her vanilla shampoo and light floral perfume, the beautiful natural scent that was simply //her//. Shaking away the slightly giddy feeling she had aroused in him since he awakened to her maturity, Logan knelt and quickly slid the folded letter under her door.  
  
As he turned the corner at the end of the hall, he heard her door creak open and half-considered turning and going back for her. He knew she wasn't ready. She needed to read the letter, needed to decide for herself. Logan just hoped she would give him a chance.  



	6. Winter: Frozen

Author: Elizabeth Wilde  
Title: Winter: Frozen  
Series: Phases: Year in a Day  
Distribution: Anyone who has my fic, anyone who asks for it, http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/xfic.html [my fic]  
Disclaimer: I don't own Rogue or Logan or the song "Mercy" by Sarah McLachlan. Uh, don't sue and stuff.  
'Ship: none  
Classification: angst, vignette  
Summary: Rogue responds to Logan's attempt to make things better.  
Rating: PG  
Spoilers: the movie  
Feedback: to wilde_moon@yahoo.com if you really love me  
Notes: The graphic for this story can be found at http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/winter.html  
  
Mercy - pure and simple  
Longing - cold and hollow  
With sweet breath you'd come to warm me  
But I held on too hard to only a memory  
  
//Logan,  
  
I don't know how to try. I don't know how to feel the things you're wanting me to feel. I know how to be alone, and I know how to stay alone. I know how to push everyone away but the people who are in here with me, stuck inside my damn head. I know Erik and David and even you.  
  
I know you but I don't know the first thing about you. I know the you I wanted to keep with me, the one I held tight to and wouldn't let slip away. I'm used to it being me, alone, untouchable. I don't even know if I want to learn how to be more than just me.   
  
I'm in love with a you that probably doesn't exist anywhere but in me. I hate pushing you away on the one hand and don't know anything else that I can do on the other. You scare me. You scare me because I know that I could get to know you, maybe get to care about you, and I could lose what's here inside of me. I could lose the person who has been keeping me sane all these years alone and untouched. I need him. Maybe I need you too.  
  
Give me time.  
  
~Marie//  
  
Rogue's heart pounded in her chest as she made her way down the hall to Logan's room. She knew that he would know she was there, that he would probably smell her the second she came down the hallway. She just hoped he knew better than to try to talk to her. Yet.  
  
Fighting her nervousness, Rogue slid the note under Logan's door. She wondered absently if she should have tried to find something other than the blood red pen when writing it. But somehow the color seemed appropriate, fitting. It had hurt to write the letter. It was emotional blood and the scrawled letters on the page fit that feeling with their crimson tint.   
  
Rogue almost ran back to her room, shutting the door behind her with a surprisingly loud WHAM! sound and leaned back against the solid, comforting wood, willing her knees to solidify again and her pulse to slow. All she needed was time.   



	7. Spring: Common Ground

Author: Elizabeth Wilde  
Title: Spring: Common Ground  
Series: Phases: Year in a Day  
Distribution: Anyone who has my fic, anyone who asks for it, http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/xfic.html [my fic]  
Disclaimer: I don't own Rogue or Logan or the song "Mercy" by Sarah McLachlan. Uh, don't sue and stuff.  
'Ship: none  
Classification: general, vignette  
Summary: Logan and Rogue pick a meeting place.  
Rating: PG  
Spoilers: the movie  
Feedback: to wilde_moon@yahoo.com if you really love me  
Notes: The graphic for this story can be found at http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/spring.html  
  
Lay beside me   
Tell me what they've done   
Speak the words I wanna hear   
To make my demons run   
The door is locked now   
But it's open if you're true   
If you can understand the me   
Then I can understand the you   
  
Logan had been pacing in the hall outside Rogue's door for close to an hour before he finally got up the courage to speak. "Marie?" Then he cursed silently when he remembered she didn't like to be called that anymore.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
He sighed, thinking it a good sign that she didn't sound angry. "Can we maybe... can we talk?" After a few moments of silence, he added, "Maybe tonight? That's later." She had, after all, said she needed time. He had tried so hard to wait until she came to him. But he couldn't.  
  
"Yeah. Later. Meet ya outside 'round sunset, alright?"  
  
Logan grinned. He could feel the muscles in his shoulders untense slightly. "I'll be waitin', Marie... Rogue," he corrected as quickly as possible before turning to walk away.   
  
"Logan?"  
  
He hurried back to the door, leaning against the wall, almost able to construct a picture of her sitting up on her bed as she spoke. "Yeah?"  
  
"You can call me Marie... if you want to."  
  
If he hadn't thought it would tick Rogue off, he would have laughed. "Sure thing, Marie, darlin'. I'll see ya tonight." And then he walked away. But only, he reminded himself, for a little while.  



	8. Summer: Discussion

Author: Elizabeth Wilde  
Title: Summer: Discussion  
Series: Phases: Year in a Day  
Distribution: Anyone who has my fic, anyone who asks for it, http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/xfic.html [my fic]  
Disclaimer: I don't own Rogue or Logan or the song "Mercy" by Sarah McLachlan. Uh, don't sue and stuff.  
'Ship: none  
Classification: general, vignette  
Summary: Logan and Rogue finally talk.  
Rating: PG  
Spoilers: the movie  
Feedback: to wilde_moon@yahoo.com if you really love me  
Notes: The graphic for this story can be found at http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/summer.html  
  
You lie there on the swollen ground  
Deserted in your heart  
Still longing for what yesterdays lost  
And for all that tomorrow might bring  
The passion lost - taken, stolen  
The dreams we had and we shared - shattered, broken  
With kind words you'd come to soothe me   
But I go blind and filled with fear  
  
It wasn't until Rogue was actually outside standing beside the reflecting pool that she realized Logan had no idea that was where she meant when she said to meet her outside. It was where they met inside, in her head. That meant something to her, but not to him. She closed her eyes and sighed, cursing her own thoughtlessness. Not that Logan couldn't sniff her out with ease. That was given. Still...  
  
She was distracted enough with her inner mutterings that when Logan did walk up beside her, she jumped and let out a yelp of surprise. Blushing and feeling like even more of an idiot, Rogue mumbled, "Startled me."  
  
"Sorry, darlin'," he said, letting a smile slip through before he managed to paste on a look of concern.  
  
Brown eyes narrowed in the pink and orange light bathing them in pastels. "It ain't funny," she grated before smiling herself to show that she was kidding. Mostly. "So... so ya wanted to talk?"  
  
Logan nodded and rubbed the back of his neck with one hand. Rogue smiled openly then. He felt as nervous as she did. Maybe more. "Yeah... look, mind if we sit down?"  
  
"Sure." She sat down on the nearest bench and Logan sat at the opposite end, eyes darting up toward her from time to time. "So you gonna say somethin' or are ya tryin' to work on yer telepathy?"  
  
Chuckling softly, Logan shook his head. "Looks like I'm just gonna hafta stick with words here. They aren't exactly my strong suit either. Look, I'm not gonna pretend I understand everything you've been through or done or whatever since I ran outta here. That'd be stupid. We both know better." His eyes were locked with hers now, the hazel of them painfully intense in the waning light. "I wanna try to understand, though. Can't do that if you won't help me out. So... ya willin' to help me out? I mean, I may not be the guy ya want me to be, but I wanna give it a shot."  
  
Rogue realized her hands were twisting together, fingers interlocking and releasing, working off her nervous tension. With an effort, she stilled them and looked up at Logan. "Ah... yeah." She shifted a little on the seat. The decision had been made, and she had no idea what to do next. She wasn't even completely sure it was the right decision. "Now what?"  
  
Logan frowned and looked away for a moment, then back to Rogue. He shrugged slightly and shook his head. "Damned if I know, darlin'. I guess we keep talkin'."  
  
"Oh. Okay. So... pretty sunset."  
  
Logan's hazel eyes shifted away from her, focusing on the colors of the sky as they faded into night. "Yeah. Pretty sunset."  



End file.
